suicideskiss

depressed… enough said

It was pretty busy today at my job.  I ran around my store giving people who don’t speak English jeans!!  I even broke a sweat!!  My knees are killing me.  I’m not used to standing up for 8 hours on a cement floor.  Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

Diet/Weight/Food wise - boy was I tempted to snack today at work during my break but I withheld myself from going to the food court and getting chinese! Instead I had a salad and I snacked on fruits/other things for the day.  Feels good.

Nothing more –

So it’s the second day of my new diet and I just finished packing my lunch/snacks for tomorrow.  I’d say the diet is going well although it is ONLY my second day!!!  My mom took me grocery shopping and I just went wild on that place.  I don’t even want to tell you how much I spent on food.  I took my diet book - The Best Life by Bob Greene - and I got all kinds of food ranging from breakfast to snacks to dinner.  Yesterday I cooked up some brown rice with red/green peppers and shrimp.  Sooo good.  Today I made a good salad with red/green peppers, cucumbers and red wine vinaigrette (of course it was the 1 calorie per spray kind haha!)  I even exercised today and already I feel good about myself.

One thing that did bother me though was when I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my mom, specifically the Bob Greene challenge on Oprah, my mom kept making comments about my weight - negative ones of course - and it really really hurt me.  I kept my mouth shut because I knew if I said something, it would start a big fight, I would cry and then I would eat.  It was actually a really inspiring show.  A woman who was once 703 lbs. was down to about 200 lbs.  It’s doable if you want it and for once in my life, my short life, I can say I WANT IT!

On the downside, it’s still snowing and I have to work tomorrow.  Oh back to the wonderful world of retail.  Just call me your denim slave!!  Maybe some lovely shopper will tip me and brighten up my day.

I wake up this morning to a ridiculous storm. I don’t know where it came from but it needs to go somewhere else. Last year in Oswego we received record-making snow and I don’t want that this year. It’s depressing.

So I know I was supposed to start my diet but it didn’t happen! College can really get to you. The food here is horrible and living on your own in your own apartment, groceries get so expensive! Well anyway, I’m going home tomorrow for about a month and a half and I figured I can start then because I know my mom is going to cry when she sees how fat I’ve gotten - which means I will be eating what she feeds me. Once I get into the swing of things there, I figure I can continue at college. I’m also going to try and talk her into giving me weekly grocery money so I can buy my own food - that would help a lot.

If you read my blog from last night, you will know what kind of state I was in - pretty much a wreck. Well, I read it over this morning and it just made me ball aka cry my eyes out again! I showed it to my mom and she cried as well. She sent it in to some talk show - she wouldn’t tell me which - thinking I will get on there because of what I wrote. Ha, me on TV? It’s my dream but I doubt that will happen! My mom is a dreamer, maybe I should jump on her train!

Anyway, I am going to continue watching Shear Genius on Bravo and then it’s pilates time for this girl. Write again tomorrow!!

I’m basically sitting in my bed and watching television right - Wedding Central on WE. I am taking a break from studying because it’s finals week at SUNY Oswego. I will be going home on Friday and I look forward to it. I get to see my family, my boyfriend and work - which is good because I need the money.

Today, I didn’t do much of anything except think. I thought a lot. I thought about how unhappy I am with myself, I thought about how my family is unhappy with the person I am becoming and I thought about my future. Right now I’m 230 pounds and I’m 20 years old. That’s just not normal. I can sit here and I can blame it on college and eating junk food and not having the time to work out. Those are lame excuses. I let myself get this big. I saw myself gaining weight. I did nothing to stop it and I am ashamed. I look at myself in the mirror and I see this energetic, determined young woman and then I look at my body and all of the positive things about myself seem to just disappear. Maybe this all sounds a little too “dramatic for you” but it’s the truth. I’m writing it in a blog. I’m saying it out loud finally. Normally I feel like I can’t talk about these kinds of things with my friends because they don’t understand - I’m in sorority with a bunch of stick thin girls. They don’t know what it is to look at yourself and be disgusted. As for my family, every time I return home, it’s a disappointment to them and ultimately myself. They yell at me, they fight with me, I cry and I feel so much less motivated to lose weight just to spite them. Sometimes they are so mean to me about my weight, I eat and I eat and I eat and I don’t work out on purpose. I’ve tried to talk to my mom about my weight but all that seems to happen is I end up crying and I lock up and get upset. It’s hard to look at my parents and talk about this kind of thing because I can see in there eyes, they are disappointed and they fear for me. Then I think about my future. I want to be a journalist, possibly on TV so basically I do need to lose weight. I was reading one of my broadcasting books this semester and the chapter was called “Roadblocks” and the main one was weight. We even talked about it in class and the girl next to me asked me, “Do you plan on being on TV at your weight or are you going to lose some and then try?” I was so embarrassed, I left class. I felt horrible. I cried and I slept all day long. I did nothing about it.

I know that there are people in my life who care about me - including my boyfriend - but I truthfully don’t believe he is happy with the way I look either. Since I’ve known him, I’ve probably gained at least 50 pounds. I can’t hide it from him anymore. I’m self conscious around him and other people. I watch what I wear - I change at least two or three times before I walk out of my house just to make I’m wearing something slimming. I have about 30 pairs of jeans that I haven’t fit into in about a year. There needs to be a change.
I’m tired of not doing anything about it. I’m tired of feeling the way I do about myself. I was thought I was a confident person but in reality, it was all a front. I don’t like myself and I definitely don’t love myself or else I would not feel or look the way I do. I’m currently reading the Best Life Diet book by Bob Greene. I got through the foreword and I started crying because I knew how Oprah - the person who wrote the foreword - felt. I’m just like her; just not as rich! I need help and hopefully this book will do it for me. Hopefully it will help me to understand my weight, my body in general. Hopefully it will help me eat better, exercise more and basically make a change! When I think about it, I know I can do it but sometimes laziness gets a hold of me and I lose it. I need a push, I need a friend.